I’ve never been this pissed my whole life.
(Well, maybe I have, but heck? A little exaggeration won’t certainly hurt).
I got off work yesterday, touched down at the LRT station, made way to Sri Pe*aling Carrefour to buy ingredients for cupcakes. I have this little makan-makan gathering today at the office and I was planning to do the cuppies for my colleagues.
And of course, my favourite butter brand Fern was not on the cooler shelves. I then went back and stopped at supermarket near my house and too bad, that particular brand was not there as well! I ended up buying another brand and rushed home to bake.
Plan A: The cuppies being brought out of the oven turned out very ok. Now is the time to do the icing. And the butter I bought failed on me. MY ICING TAK JADI OK. It became super lembik like liquid and I totally blamed the butter. Menyesal sangat tak beli the usual brand and I should’ve make extra effort finding it in other shops. Then I accidentally laid my eyes on the the icing sugar packet, and to my horror, the expiry date was last month!! That explains the flat, cair and lembik icing. I threw away everything into the trashcan. Masa ni rasa my face dah all redden due to the anger I contained, tapi I shifted to plan B. I have to bring something to office tomorrow, regardless.
Plan B: I decided to make caramel pudding, since it’s the only thing that can get done in one hour using the resources I have at home (eggs, milk and sugar). When the time comes for me to make the ‘gula hangus’ on the stove, to my surprise, GAS HABIS!!!! That time I already said the four-letter word and cursing like hell. I was devastated and rasa mcm the whole world is failing on me. Geram giler and called Azya and text the girls. What a darn night! Instructed my brother to get the gas refilled and THANK GOD I managed to make the caramel (filled with anger, however. God knows how it tastes. I hope none of my colleagues be admitted today)
To add a little sugar coated creamy icing with fresh cherry on top of my already sucked night, I texted him. It has been like a month since we last text (I memang suka macam tu, when I’m like weng giler and totally pissed off, lagi suka cari pasal and buat benda yang bukan2).
Me: Hey, can I ask you something.
Him: Hehe, hye. Apa dia?
Me: But u have to be honest to me. The most honest you hv ever been to anybody.
Him: Serious je bunyi u ni….
Me: Pas everything that happen, I notice u mcm jauhkn diri sgt dr I. Like we’re strangers. I just wanna ask u the truth, is it coz u don’t wanna be fren, or u want to keep away from me coz u taknak anythg hapen between us anymore, or u simply tk perasan bnda ni hapen, n i je yg paranoid lebih2. pls answer d truth n nthg but d truth. coz again, i cudnt c wic part dat we become frens. we nv text. n im afraid to text u, coz i duno weter i cud or not.
There you have it, my coming-out-of-the-closet query.
And of course, he has to take more than 5 minutes to reply the text lah kan.
Him: Apa yg u perasan tu btul. I yang nak jauhkan diri dr u. I nak fokus on her. Harap u paham.
(I don’t know whether he’s trying to be subtle, but knowing him, somehow I believed what he said.)
I paham alright. You waltzed into my life and gave me something and later left me out of nowhere is one thing (I’ve passed that phase). You wanted to become friends after everything that happens is another. But this? You can’t handle ME being your friend? I was insulted. And mad, sad and pissed.
To the core.
But tell me something I don’t understand. “I yang nak jauhkan diri dari u. I nak fokus on her?”. WHAT’S THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN? By having me around (a genuine person at a friend level that is), you couldn’t focus to her? Not that I’m demanding your attention 24/7, and even if I even asked for it (touchwood!), you should be brilliant and fair enough by knowing how to separate between love and friendship. You are supposed to. If you dont, then don’t call yourself a boyfriend to her.
And the last time I checked, it was you that decided for us to be friends. After that short period of fling we had. Even it was hard for me to do at first, but I guess why not? Coz as hard as it for me to admit, letting someone I loved go is the hardest thing to do.
And If you claimed that she’s the one that you wanted, why is it you couldn’t handle being a friend to me? JUST A FRIEND. Platonic relationship. I can handle you being a friend, coz I know that I can control myself from falling for you again. Couldn’t you resist the temptation? If you couldn’t, I rest my case. Habis tu, does it mean you kene jauhkan diri dari semua girl friends in your surrounding? It doesn’t make any sense to me, except for one theory that I’ve made up at the back of my mind. But that’s not the point already.
And the worst part is, having to know that a person have to get away from you coz he couldn’t handle being around you. Coz you’re like kryptonite to him. That’s the worst and the best part of this predicament.
I don’t regret that I came out in the open like this. And I don’t care if he’s reading this. Not that we’re exactly FRIENDS pun.
And another worst part, I want to feel helpless, I want to cry and later sleep with tears still well my eyes. BUT I JUST COULDN’T. I just feel so pathetic and sad.
I need a fling. Like, pronto.
Update. Another kick in the butt.
He texted me this morning while I was in the course downstairs, something sounded like this:
I just wanna tel u one more thing. insyallah kalu xd ape2, i nk bertunang next CNY..
Boohoo! It’s not the gist of the text that drove me up the wall. It’s THE WAY IT’S BEING CONVEYED. It’s like he’s shoving “EAT THAT, MISSY” cookie up my throat and smear it all over my face. It’s like he has not been sending enough signals to make me go away. It’s like I’m that stupid to grasp and chew the fact he told last night. Duh? Ps: I AM NOT THAT STUPID OK. I CAN READ SIGNALS. I’VE BEEN GIVING IT MY WHOLE LIFE.
That’s it. I’m turning away, and never looking back.
Oh yeah, I didn’t congratulate him. No, not because I was hurt (well, maybe ade la dalam 15.82%) but bcoz as far as I concern, you and I, we stopped being friends last night.